I’m an energy aware neurodivergent reiki healer and MA interdisciplinary psychology student with lived experience of psychosis / cptsd and autism.
I would like to help people who have gone through or who are going through difficult times.
In my experience – every cloud has a silver lining – the challenges we face can actually be turned around – fuel for the fire of personal development. .
If you are going through your own challenges and would like some help, I would be happy to have a conversation with you.
Likewise if you would like to leave some feedback, i would love to hear your thoughts.
Please drop me a line – zenforlifeangel@gmail.com
Last week, I recieved a diagnosis of Thyroid Cancer. After having a preliminary scan which happened around a month ago, the nurse giving me the ultrasound told me that I most likely had cancer before a biopsy was done. She then informed me that I had to wait almost a month to find out the results of the scan. As you can imagine, my mental and emotional state has not exactly been calm and stable, so I have been taking half a tablet of Lorazepam every day to add to my supplement regime.
In the first few days after hearing this bad news, my mental health deteriorated. I was panicking, swinging from intense anxiety and then hit with heaviness, not knowing which I would be feeling one moment to the next. I was unable to just go about my day. It has been contributing toward me having a manageable day where i am relatively unaffected by the torrent of fear and depression , a state that had me in tears and caused me to phone for reassurance from support services and friends many times a day. Thoughts of death were entering my head at will or so it seemed. Being alive at this time was not much fun.
I think that a lot of people would find this diagnosis difficult to deal with, especially if they lived alone, with no person to sit with / reassure / understand / take your mind off it. The half a lorazepam meant that I did not have to put up with this soul destroying mind state, and also meant that I could sleep instead of staying awake with thoughts of funerals going around my head. A peaceful quality of being – one of calm – is priceless to me at the moment. . To not have this tablet could contribute to a mental decline – which is the last thing that me or anyone close to me would want. In my opinion, the benefits should outweigh the risks when making decisions like that and in the case of helping me to be OK through this difficult period of having a cancer diagnosis and treatment – I would say that the benefits outweigh the risks there.
One would assume that a mental health doctor would recognise the seriousness of the situation and would want this calmer state to continue, however, when I had a phone appointment with my psychiatrist to discuss my recent diagnosis and how it was impacting my mental health, she actually told me to stop taking the lorazepam. The reason that she gave for this was that she did not want me to be addicted to it – however, I used it for years to help me with my mental health when i was in hospital with chronic psychosis and successfully stopped using it. Begrudging me a 0.5mg of lorazepam would keep me stuck in a panic loop about the cancer. It would be very detrimental for my mental health to spend my days thinking the worst, unable to get enjoyment from anything because everything reminded me of the diagnosis, meaning that i would not be able to concentrate or focus. Being ‘ok’ or at least being able to return to much ‘ok’ after not being ok, is absolutely fundamental. The lorazepam would prevent me going into crisis – and ultimately stop a downhill decline.
Another thing that made me shocked was that she did this without suggesting any replacement for the Lorazepam. Her role as is of a mental health professional of highest standing – yet she was suggesting taking away the thing that was helping with my mental health and not providing me with anything else to take its place!!!
This reminded me once again of how useless I have found mental health doctors to be, something which was flagged up and rang my alarm bells over the 15 years that I was under their ‘care’ and has once again made me raise the question – What do these doctors actually do?
One thing is for sure – if she was going through what I have been going through, I’m sure she would see the situation differently. I’m sure she would see the importance of having that half a lorazepam tablet every day.
As I mentioned before, this is not an isolated incident. Over the nearly 2 decades of seeking help from NHS for my mental health, I have recognised that this kind of thing is a serious problem with quite a few of the NHS mental health doctors. They seem to have little or almost no empathy with the patients who need their help. They show up for their job with their sound mental health, being able to live without contending with the horrors that their patients have to endure as a result of their clinical decisions. It feels like they flippantly make decisions regarding a persons wellbeing (such as which medication to put them on, or in this case to stop using) without taking into consideration the seriousness of the situation of the person who has to live with their distress 24/7 without a break. They can go home on an evening to their family, secure home with perfect mental health – personally unaffected by any of the life affecting decisions that they make whilst the people on the brunt end of their flippancy (i,e, their patients) have to live with the consequences.
A person cannot run away from their inner experience, it is there all the time.. and you (not the doctors) are left to deal with it (in your burnt out state).
Not only did I find that the doctors made decisions not grounded in empathy or insight, these decisions can also can also be legally binding. For example, they have legal powers to force this medication on you, and if you cant tolerate it and therefore refuse it, then they can use this as evidence that you are unwell. It’s like being a prisoner, only your body is your cell, your punishment is the side effects (or your mental health condition) and your sentence is the amount of time your doctor keeps their signature on a piece of paper.. but unlike a prisoner, you do not know how long it will be until your sentence will end. You can try and appeal against it but a lot of the time, your voice doesn’t carry as much weight behind it las the voice of the person signing that piece of paper.
This is not something that i say lightly and is grounded in experience. For over a year I was forceably injected with Haliperidol, which my brain and body could not tolerate , which led to a mental decline, resulting in a 3 year section.
Many being injected with antipsychotics can tell you the horror stories of their constant restlessness, agitation, and lack of pleasure that can be experienced due to a doctor making a signature on a piece of paper and then leaving the patient to deal with the consequences for sometimes years afterward, regardless of what this person has to say about it.
Not all the NHS doctors, however, are incompetent in this way. When i was chronically psychotic (i.e. didnt experience much other than paranoid thoughts, not knowing which reality I was in, voices, hallucinations etc), the mental health team gave me 1 x PRN lorazepam for times when things got unmanageable and it really helped me to live a better life. It meant I could complete an access course at the other side of town, which led to getting a degree and many knock on effects that created ripples of fortune and success inn my life that i simply wouldn’t of had if i hadn’t of been allowed the lorazepam – because I wouldn’t of left the ward for long periods without it.
The knock on effect of them giving me lorazepam meant that I made a life worth living for myself. The benefits outweighed the risks. It helped me to get to this point. And when I didn’t need it any more, i didn’t take it. I didn’t have any withdrawals, i didn’t feel the need to use it. I believe I didn’t need it any more because I was working on changing my energy.
There are other, more natural ways which a person can be helped apart from medication – for example supplementation – something that I have been doing to help me through this current health challenge.
Doctors usually speak against supplementation but I find that it is a very effective treatment along side pharmacutical medicines and it makes a massive difference to a persons wellbeing. It certainly has for me. .There has been research around since the 60’s about the effectiveness of vitamins in the treatment of Schizophrenia – with an 80% success rate.. why don’t the NHS take this on board? Is it because money speaks louder than success rates?
I am glad to say that I do not need the lorazepam any more because I am using more natural ways to deal with this situation. I am taking my own personal concoction of supplements, tailored to my needs which have made me feel better than i did before I got the cancer diagnosis. I have also been doing a lot of work on my energy with certain kinds of meditation.
Recently, it feels like it’s been one thing after another, and my health has been brought into question on a couple of occasions, with the potential of it being quite serious.
I’ve been feeling very down, and wanting to reach out to someone to make me feel better. But something in me didn’t want to do this. So, I decided to be of service to myself.
I began cleaning my living space (which was chaotic, dusty and in need of a good clean.), and when i was doing it, I imagined that I was a seperate person and that I wanted to make sure that my mental health was tip top whilst I was cleaning.. I imagined that I was a cleaner for me, and that I wanted to make my mental health on top form by doing a fantastic job. I’ve never done this before, normally living in a state of dissaray and then paying a cleaner to come and make it nice for me. I’ve never decided to be of service for me in this way. And my god, it really worked!!
I began appreciating what i was doing for myself. I began feeling uplifted and it was a joy to clean. I didn’t need someone to make me feel better – I was of service to myself.
And now i have a lovely living space.
For years, I’ve not held my own mental health in high regard like this, whilst i want to make things better, there was still had some effect of the years of self neglect that manifested in beating up on myself, not paying bills, reaching out to others.
I just didn’t feel like I was worth it.. after all those years of being brought down by others, it seems like I was a sponge – I soaked up their toxicity to a point where I i was carrying it around without even realising. I forgot about me, and my soul was crying out – hurt, wounded, needing love. For such a long time, It seemed programmed into my software of how i lived.
But tonight that changed and I wanted the best for myself.
This is only a small post, but i thought it was worth sharing.
If you have ever had health anxiety, then please read on because I found a way to stop it in its tracks and replace the merciless thrashing waters to a calm, peaceful and serene millpond within a couple of minutes. It is a practical technique that can be done wherever you are, without having to consult an external agent i.e. therapist.
Very recently, my anxiety levels around a health issue have been sky high. If I had to rank the anxiety on a scale of 1-10 – it would be a 10.
I have been preoccupied with thoughts that i did not recognise as thoughts or anxiety related phenomenon – I thought they were real. I was preoccupied with thoughts of dying, heavy thoughts, panic driven thoughts for days. I was tired, in pain and struggling. I was tormented, obsessed, and trying to distract myself was not fully taking it away – it was always there.. Even though I was trying to be positive, Inside there was a battle going on between me (trying to be positive) and this horrible and relentless energy that I thought was real and caused me a lot of pain.
I grabbed one of the techniques from the toolkit of exercises that taught to me from the school of energy awareness: I practiced an exercise called ‘Something in me’. I began naming and feeling the emotions that were driving the panic state – using compassion and disidentification, and almost instantly i became regulated again. My emotional pain subsided – i realised that there were emotions causing this state and not a reality. I recognised that i was clinging to these emotions, thinking they were real- and it was causing me pain and anguish. By feeling them, showing myself compassion, and disdentifying from them, the choppy and violent waters that were thrashing me about within me became calm waters once more that i was floating on top of.
I also did another technique called the gesture of peace – an arm movement accompanied by breathing – for 2 minutes. It was such a relief to do this- my waters became calm – it grounded my health anxiety – instead of catastrophising and almost being deluded – i came to understand the reality of the situation rather than the panic laden thoughts, and felt like i was floating on the water instead of of drowning in it.
Prior to using these technique, i feel i was nearing a crisis point.. but thanks to these techniques, i am now able to deal with the situation from a place of calm rather than being tormented and anxious. These techniques nipped the problem in the bud so that i was no longer in distress. I can now get on with my day without being caught up in this whole thing that i could not cope with.
I can now focus on other things and feel comfortable in my own skin.
Crisis averted!!!
if you would like to know more about the techniques that i used, then please email me at zenforlifeangel@gmail.com or visit my facebook page where you can book in a session with me. https://www.facebook.com/ki.to.life.leeds
On the recent energy awareness training that I attended in October, I got acquainted with which direction I need to sit in when I am sat somewhere for a prolonged period of time (i.e. to eat, to get dressed in, and which direction to leave my shoes in shoes in). This is called my heart direction. I learned that different kinds of energy flow from different directions and enter your crown, the effect they have is dependent on which direction you are facing. Some of them bring you positivity ( success, inner strength), some can cause harm, including confusion, fatigue and misfortune.. The direction which my life supporting energy comes from (that resonates with what i need right now.. i.e. resonances with my heart) is called my heart direction. I learned that – when i was doing the training – my direction was NW – the direction of helpful people energy.
So ever since then, I have been putting my compass on my phone on tables when I sit down to eat in restaurants and making sure that I face NW when I can. Sometimes I wonder what people think about me doing this – it must seem strange to a lot of people – thankfully the compass is on my phone and nobody would bat an eyelid at me putting my phone on the table, and nobody has mentioned this so far!!!
I started off facing NW every time I got dressed, took off my shoes, when eating and sitting for longer periods of time and I noticed the effects straight away and after a day or two, it started to appear in concrete ways.
Firstly, when I got back from the training, I opened my Facebook to a message from someone that is an expert in marketing holistic businesses, and she put together a free pdf for me with lots of suggestions for advertising my business. It just so happened, that I was considering taking all things business in a new direction very recently, but I had not considered hiring a marketing professional… and then low and behold, as i returned from the training late at night, there was a message for me relating to the same issue that I have been considering!!! (Thank you Spirit!).
Secondly, I have my flat on the market at the moment, after deciding to move to an area where Stephen could see that there is a welcoming sky, (my current location is causing energy to fall from my heart chakra and I hate living here.). I was unhappy with the estate agent that I was using for many reasons. Low and behold – two days after the training, I received a phone call from an estate agent up the road offering to come and see me about advertising with them – this couldn’t have come at a better time.
Thirdly, I received a text from a very lovely woman I know that used to be a nurse at the clinic that I visited for monthly blood tests, she lives in the area that i was thinking of moving to,. She said that she is going to help me, to tell me which areas are good ones and which to avoid – I do not know the area at all and am moving by myself so this couldn’t be more helpful.
Fourthly, my narrowboat, which I bought last year, is in need of some TLC and it was a big burden on my mind, I felt a bit helpless and overwhelmed by the thought of it.. then it became clear that I could ask my friend who has a handy man business to help me out with it at a discounted rate. He is going to help me to get it ship shape (pun intended). The heaviness lifted 🙂
To add to this – I was dissatisfied with a handman course that I attended recently, so I made a complaint, and they refunded me the whole cost of the course.
I went on a solo trip to London in November, where there was more manifested evidence of facing my helpful people direction for the duration of the trip. I went for 4 days and was on a strict budget.
I was in an expensive bar in London, making sure I sat facing NW as always. I did not expect to get anything out of it, I was just sitting in my heart direction for the sake of it. I was feeling a bit lonely, and the wine was £12.50 per glass. I had one, but could not afford another. I noticed a woman sat by herself.. I smiled at her and she sat down next to me. She started telling me about the holiday she is about to go on. We struck a conversation about goth weekend in Whitby (she is a London local) and she told me to go to Wetherspoons (which i was considering but finalised the decision) and I was thinking of buying another wine, but my bank account was saying no… then she went up to the bar and bought me a large wine. So, I was craving company and a glass of wine and then spirit sent me some company and a glass of wine and directions to the nearest Wetherspoons 🙂
The same night, I decided to go to Wetherspoons… it was cheaper but overwhelming.. being in Wetherspoons on a Friday night, slap bang in the middle of NW1 – Baker Street wasn’t exactly the quietest of places. I took myself to a Palestinian eatery around the corner (after following my energy and testing positive as a place to visit.). It was obvious to them that i could not afford much, so they put a tray of olives and pickles on my table. I wanted a pot of tea, which they said was £8 for a pot, they came with a delicious pot of tea and charged me £2.95 (which was brewed with mint leaves)..
Also – to add – upon leaving the restaurant, i walked out and then i was pulled back in by my energy, it gave me a peaceful feeling, I was stopped by the people working there to say id left my headphones charging next to the table.
Lots of helpful people things here, within the space of a few hours 🙂
More recently, I placed a post on facebook asking someone if they knew anyone who would take some water out of my engine. As a single woman who has never been in an engine in my life, it was quite daunting and I didn’t know if the engine was flooded.
A really helpful man replied that day – and came out the next day. He checked it out and resolved the problem without asking for a penny – so i bought him cake and beer instead.
Another example of the increased flow of helpful people energy was shown / manifested more recently when the lady from the greengrocers gave me a lot of organic fresh ginger for free! And also giving me a bunch of daffodils for free (I had been wanting some flowers but didn’t get around to it).
These are examples of how helpful people energy showed up in my life.
Since then, my heart direction has changed 3 times, and each time ive noticed effects of facing it.
So as you can imagine, I sit facing my heart direction as often as possible – my compass has become my best friend. I meditate in, get changed in and eat facing my heart direction. It is a simple yet powerful technique, one of many that I have learned. It is really nice when i notice how it’s having an effect – like a little magical reminder to keep practicing so that my life becomes better.
A lot of people’s 20s can be a time of happiness, for enjoyment, finding out who you are in the world and your place in it, meeting friends, a life partner, learning to drive, forging a career path, going on holidays, parties, saving for a house.. a time where life is full, your energy is plentiful.
Mine was a succession of trauma, difficult times and hospitalisations that spanned out over a decade.
It is only now, in my 30s, that I have been living a life worth living. I feel like I am making up for lost time, there are many ways in which my life has expanded, i have happiness, laughter, connection, adventure, hobbies, prospects, friends, more mental clairity, I feel more a part of society. Where there was black, white and shades of grey, there are now a full spectrum of colours.
At one point, when I was 24, I genuinely did not want to get old because, my experience of being alive was terrible, my mental health was very poor, i felt that things could not get any worse – the thought of having mental decline was unbearable – it had already declined enough…. Looking back, I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future, or someone (i.e. mental health professional) – to tell me that things would get better. Even family involvement would have made life more worth living. But I was on my own, with no crystal ball and no proof that this decline into craziness and lack of pleasure (anhedonhia) was just a passing experience. It seemed to stretch on forever.
I wish I had of had a crystal ball, because it would of seen :
Having a wonderful experience of being alive
No longer being broken
No longer going round in circles in a desperate bid to become well
Freedom from a state of being / mind that was always in turmoil and frazzled.
Loving myself and having more peace.
Full use of my cognitive faculties
Not returning to hospital, ever again.
Having feelings of wellbeing.
Having a change in consciousness.
Having some amazing `and magical experiences due to accepting spirit into my life.
Have a blossoming energy awareness that I can use to help others
Having an awareness of my chakras and knowing what I need to do – moment to moment to overcome negative energy state.
Hobbies (taking up baking was a game changer when in hospital, it kept me well, my energy was put into creating something, and it helped me to connect to other people).
Health – eating organic, cooking from scratch (I lived on takeaways, or buying processed ready to eat foods)
Friends
Going on adventures – The coast, Thailand, Music festivals, healing festivals, protests, healing workshops, charity shop crawls,
Going to open mic nights, sometimes performing.,
Having a healing business
Getting a degree in social psychology
Studying for an MA
Owning my own flat
Owning a narrowboat
Not having toxic people in my life
Looking after myself – doing self care
Having conversations and connections with people
Having a profound connection to nature
Becoming an auntie
Having a lovely ginger cat called angel.
life itself can indeed feel like an adventure.
Being well enough to return to the paid working world and being recognised for my skills in helping others.
That crystal ball would have come in very handy.
For over a decade – in my 20’s, following the death of my mother by suicide, things were very difficult for me. I entered a black hole that seemed to consume everything. They say that time is a healer, but as time passed, the psychotic / unusual experiences became worse and worse. Things were becoming more and more terrifying. You know the term ‘going through hell?’ Well, for me it was a bit more literal than the metaphor. For me, it involved seeing / hearing demons / the devil and even on one occasion, I thought id seen hell itself..
One particular experience of seeing a demon was when i was lying in bed on the cusp of sleep. A demon started crawling up my body. I was paralysed and tried pushing it down with my hands, but it would not stop . I felt pain down below as it sucked sexual energy out of me. Then it jumped into my chest. Years later, I would go onto study psychology as a degree and learned that this experience was known as a ‘hypnogogic hallucination’ and ‘sleep paralysis’ and that other people have this kind of thing happen to them as well. Being able to understand it as a psychological phenomenon helped me to become more detatched from the memory of it, and to normalise it – rather than think i was possessed by a demon.
On another occasion, I was walking down the street and I looked up at the sky, there was a demon / the devil laying on its side , as though it were laying on a cloud. Next to it was an eye made of golden light. The pupil was darting around looking at the people below. I looked at it for a few seconds, it looked at me and turned black. I then proceeded to walk down the hill and went home. The services knew that id stopped taking my medication. I believe they came to my flat the next day. Much of the decade of madness is a blur, and this is one of those times. .
Just before the big hospitalisation (that lasted 3 years), I felt like the devil was watching me and interfering with my thoughts. The thoughts would chop and change and alternate in my brain, flicking between God and the Devil. I had never been religious at any point in my life, yet some how these religious figures were prominent in my brain, in my thought processes, and it was both confusing, isolating and terrifying. I just wanted it to stop but I didn’t know how.. I was desperately trying to get help, I was phoning mental health services and my family multiple times per day and I tried to take myself to A and E 3 times in the space of a couple of weeks. This was the worst that things had ever been – much worse than other episodes and very scary because I had to deal with it myself.. I was told i could see a psychiatrist, and that I had to wait a month to see them, but i was struggling minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day and with nobody to speak on behalf of me, i could not communicate the full scope of the ordeal I was going through and how desperate I was becoming.
The demonic hallucinations were not the only kinds of unusual experiences that happened to me, and are merely examples of some of the experiences that tormented me over the years, a snippet of a whole catalogue of suffering – for one small moment in time. The scary and confusing experiences lasted for over a decade.
During my descent into madness, I experienced the following things:
Being lost in a confusing world of hallucinations, jumbled thoughts and delusions.
Intrusive thoughts that were so unbearable that I could not tell anyone.
Believing other people could see / hear my intrusive thoughts.,
Visual hallucinations
Hearing voices commenting on my every thought – telling me bad things were happening and also telling me to do things. Over the years they got worse – more frequent.. until one day I could no longer ignore them- they told me to burn my clothes at the front of my house to stay grounded – so I did because I believed them.
Feeling like the universe didn’t want me in it because I was the most horrible person in existence – a sense of cosmic threat – that i had been banished from nature / the universe.
Hearing the birds talk about me – mocking me sarcastically (in real time)
Feeling that I was connected to the TV, that it was talking to me directly
Feeling I was responsible for world peace
Uncontrollable visions of bad things that were going to happen
Feeling others’ consciousnesses in my body, stopping me from speaking, tormenting me.
Thinking I was dying – sometimes not knowing if I was dead or not – because I ha d suicide attempt I kept having the experience that I was dead and as a punishment, I was being kept in a simulation of life, but knowing I was dead.
Feeling people could read my thoughts and that people on the street were talking my thoughts out loud.
Feeling people could watch me via my consciousness.
Extreme suffering/ anguish.
Being mute – unable to speak
Lots of coincidences.
Feeling something strange and terrifying was happening.
Believing a dark force was trying to kill me.
After experiencing the above things, which grew in intensity and frequency as time went by, , and not getting the right medication or the right intervention, I hit a crisis point that was by far the most terrifying, confusing and stressful thing i had ever experienced. The crises that occurred before this were very frightening but – the NHS jumped in to help me as soon as they were aware that i was unwell. This time, however, I had fallen through the cracks. It felt like they didn’t want to know. I was going crazy by myself and i could not see an end to my suffering. Not being cared for by anyone during those years didn’t exactly help.. I was left to look after myself, which, given the way I felt and my chaotic and extreme mental health condition, was almost impossible.
Things had been seriously rough for such a long time as i dipped in and out of madness. I had times where i was not sure that I would get my intelligence back, where every thought was unintelligible and the hallucinations were relentless. I felt like I was living in a snow blizzard or a swarm of wasps inside, instead of the snow or wasps there were voices and intrusive thoughts attacking me from the inside, and I could not escape them, I could not walk out of the room and shut the door, because they were inside of me. Due to all of the turmoil, and nobody by my side for the first 3 years of going through difficult things, I lost who I was… anything about me that made me me. It felt like I was consumed by my illness – all my likes, dislikes, my strengths, my skills, the way I used to dress, the music i listened to- I did not even have a memory of who I used to be.. (Thankfully I have built a new and better self after all of this – a breakdown really is a breakthrough)
As one can imagine, because of everything i was going through, services not giving me the right medication or help and feeling like my family and the mental health services had given up on me, I almost gave up on myself too.. My self care and self esteem became almost non-existent. Over a 6 month period, I washed 2 or 3 times. I did not brush my teeth or hair, it was like a birds nest . I wasn’t wearing any of my nice clothes, I wore tracksuit bottoms that were in tatters. I lost my self respect and was completely unaware of how i looked, and had no motivation to improve my hygiene, even the thought of having a shower was painful. People started to complain about how I smelled, and started gossiping about me, saying i had nothing about me.. even people who I had considered to be friends turned on me, thinking I was less than.. rather than reaching out to help, I was ridiculed and shunned.
Thankfully, my beloved Auntie Jackie reached out to me at this point, She recognised the distress and ordeal that I was going through and decided to help me through it. After 3 years and 2 breakdowns of going through it alone, finally someone was rooting for me. When I was on the 3 year hospital stay, she would visit me and try to make me laugh, and tried to understand what I was going through, and held hope for my recovery. From this point, she gave me her love and support, and for that I am very grateful. Sadly, in 2022 she passed away unexpectedly. Even though I know how proud she would have been that I am doing an MA and of everything I have achieved, I know she’s there in spirit with me, and always will be.
Whilst all of this turmoil was happening over the years, and not really implementing the Energy Awareness Training, I always had the thought of doing the energy awareness training stuck in my head as a future thing that I needed to do. I’d attempted to do some of the energy exercises (weaves) initially many times but it seemed to take every ounce of energy i had and was quite painful to do, (maybe because the foreign energy that was in my energy body did not want to leave.) It became a source of mental pain, thinking that i should be doing it but not being able to work myself up to do them. Even as i hit my lowest points, I would think about how energy healing, cultivating my own energy via a healing routine was the only way that I would really get better and would carry my energy eggs everywhere with me. The thought of healing myself kept me holding on through the worst of times, times when I’d gone off the rails, when the only pleasure that I would get was from drinking or drugs and I had nothing in my life.
I’d had some sessions with Lynda and Stephen sporadically throughout this period of time, where they had been incredibly supportive at helping me with life decisions such as courses that would be good for my energy, and types of service that i should do, so when my brain could not tolerate Haliperidol ( which should be called Helloperidol as far as I am concerned), Stephen recommended supplements so that my brain could work better, so as soon as i had the session, I went to the nearest health food store and I bought the B vitamin supplements that they recommended.
My life was unmanageable whilst just using the NHS treatments, (they did not give me a life worth living), but I had sessions with Lynda and Stephen from the School of Energy Awareness to show me things to do to overcome the energy underlying my mental health issues. The NHS doctor did not like me doing anything energy therapy related, my auntie had to really persuade the doctor to allow me to have crystals. However, Stephen thankfully gave me things to do that the doctor could not stop me from doing, for example, holding my hands in certain mudras, and a walking meditation known as prana walking.
They say that a journey of 10,000 steps begins with the first step, and this phrase could not be more literal, as my first steps came about in 2014, when as a traumatised inpatient i began prana walking. This energy practice enabled me to let go of specific kinds of stress from the energy body which accumulated over time. The hand position (mudra) determines the kind of stress (fear, anger, past failures, sorrow etc) which leaves the energy body and as you walk the stress dissipates in a trail on the floor. Luckily for me, the hospital i was staying in had some lovely grounds and walks, which became the main feature of my day, and were a perfect place to practice the prana walking. I did not notice the difference straight away, as my energy field was overwhelmed with stress and foreign energy that clouded my vision, but with disciplined practice every day, over time, I became lighter and lighter.
When I began to feel well enough and not overwhelmed by the stress energy , I began doing the returning life sequence meditation (https://www.energizeyourlife.org/returning-life-dvd) every day. After all of those years where I struggled to do the meditation, I finally found myself in a position where I could do it every morning ( I believe because the prana walking had lowered my stress burden). After being overwhelmed with anxiety and having no energy for life, and after not smiling or laughing for years, i felt optimistic. I decided that i wanted to study English literature – it was my strongest subject at school and Stephen could see that it made my energy light up, but the only course I could find locally was an Access course in Humanities at Bradford College. With the energy and focus given to me from the returning life meditation, I decided to just jump in at the deep end and to go for it (a way of life that has proven to be very fruitful!).I smiled a genuine smile for the first time in years. As soon as i found ways to give me some control over my mind / energy and life, began feeling pleasure and found ways to navigate my chaotic and distressing inner world, i grabbed onto it with both hands and put everything that i could into my own healing. I felt like something was working – and it was ME that was doing it. I felt great :-).Ever since discovering how powerful energy healing methods are, I started doing as many as I could. I learned energy testing, other practical techniques which gave me more peace and inner strength, some that helped with intrusive thoughts, some that helped me to stop being overwhelmed..
there is literally a practical solution for any negative energy state. I also started taking supplements and incorporating life practices into my daily routine.
The great thing about energy development is that – it is empowering. You can physically do practical things that change your own consciousness – at the time when difficulties arise.. of your own accord- rather than only trying to cope until your next therapy appointment or until your next doctors appointment.. Having your own internal tools to deal with negative energy states, to transmute them into positive energy, is a game changer. I went around in circles of helplessness for years, chasing things that were outside of me – doctors, therapists. tablets, drugs, people… I created a relationship with my emotions and experiences that saw them as being harmful, but how can you run away from something that is inside of you? Now I have a whole toolkit of things i can do which changes the energy behind the problem and leads me to more positive states of being i.e. “transforming your karmas into higher awareness”. as Lynda from the School of Energy Awareness says.
Even though I am on an upward spiral, it does not mean that I do not still have challenges.. As with many healing techniques that I had learned with The School of Energy awareness, some of them take time and persistence. It’s not like a magic wand where you wave it once and then everything is instantly better.. There is a saying that a bucket full of water thrown over a stone makes no difference, but, one drop of water over the same stone over time erodes away at it. The same has been true for my own healing journey. It has taken showing up for myself every day, a change of attitude and sometimes acts of inner bravery.. As Lynda says – it is difficult to get rid of the foreign energy that has made its home inside of you. There is an energy related solution to every problem, some of these things take time and discipline – others are like magic, and the changes can be felt straight away.
An example of a technique that has taken a while is:
Dealing with intrusive thoughts.
I used to suffer with a never ending torrent of intrusive thoughts – they were so bad i had to stop in my tracks in the street and shake my hands. They were extremely horrible and destabilising. I began doing the gesture of resonance after each thought – over time, now i hardly have any. I have the odd one now and again but they are not the intensity that they were back then. This, alongside hypnotherapy from an energy ascending hypnotherapist helped me to overcome those horrible thoughts. I’m glad to say that they have now gone.
An example of a technique working instantly is:
Using an energy egg blowing sequence to displace relationship stress energy.
After not feeling myself for weeks, being out of sorts, feeling sad, disconnected, not my usual positive energy state and having had enough of it, I put my hand in my pocket (i had 3 energy eggs in there) and i ‘felt’ the solution to the problem… the chronic shock egg came to mind. So i got out the instructions and did the technique. – instantly the stress energy lifted. I felt like my usual self again for the first time in weeks. It was relationship stress that was the problem and the chronic shock egg sorted it out in an instant. It was a ‘thank goodness for that’ moment and reminded me how powerful these techniques are. It advised to do the technique on anyone that I’ve had a close relationship with.. so i did. For the first day in ages, I’m not carrying around ghosts of other people, they’re not nestled amongst my thoughts, leaving me wishing I could leave them behind.. Today I’m more myself than I have been in a while. .
Ever since the beginning of my healing journey in 2014, I have gone on to use their techniques to work on many aspects of myself and to welcome spirit into my life more and more. It still amazes me how profound these techniques are and how far I have come since the days when I was wondering the streets in my nightie, plagued by voices, setting fire to my clothes and in distress most days.
I do not feel grief or regret about not living my best life in my 20s, i do not feel bitter or resentful, or sad. I see that my life path has taken a different course to the average person, I see it as a journey that is unfolding, and always will be. For me it is about growth and expansion and personal spiritual development and using my experience and insight to help other people. There is a shared notion in our society that your youngest years are the best and that as you grow older, things go downhill, and that in your 60s your retire.. But im not trying to fit myself into that mould. I see my past experiences, not as something that i ought to be sad about because, it has made me who I am today.
I believe that when a person has gone through a prolonged period of darkness, the light shines brighter than it ever did before that darkness ever came. At university I came to know this as a phenomenon known as post traumatic growth or transformation through turmoil – states of profound transformation when one has gone through intense suffering. These transformative experiences of a persons consciousness were something that Steve Taylor, one of my tutors at Leeds Beckett talked about on the degree I studied for and on the MA that i am now part way through. He also talks about awakening experiences, becoming aware of the divine essence of life.. something I know very intimately and makes my life truly magical at times. I indeed have had and still have many awakening experiences, something I will go into detail about on another post.
It is my goal to help people to go from periods of darkness and suffering to a place of happiness with my research, experience and healing methods. I feel that the current mainstream treatment (NHS) leaves a lot to be desired. Experiencing this first hand has highlighted to me their incompetencies and failures. I feel it fails on many levels – long waiting lists, not being taken seriously, a legal stripping away of rights, forced medication that lowers the quality of life, being shut away from people, society and nature, their token economy which forces people to mask their experiences so that they can leave the ward, the infantilisation, lack of empathy, terrible nutrition.. no holistic care, lack of information, the list goes on.
Whilst their medications can be life saving, and hospitals are essential places of safety for people who are at risk, I feel that there are many improvements that need to be made. There has been research around since the 60’s that shows certain supplements are more effective at treating Schizophrenia than anti-psychotics.. that many people made a recovery on the supplements, but the majority just taking anti-psychotics were severe and enduring..Yet the NHS does not take on board any of this research, and I’m sure that if they did then big pharma would not exactly be happy.
There are so many aspects of my recovery journey that I would like to go into, and I am going to cover these in future posts. I will also be expanding on many of the subjects mentioned throughout this blog in future posts.
I hope you have enjoyed reading a brief outline of my journey – going through hell to being well.
Sublimation is a psychoanalytic term for the process by which energy is transformed from suffering into positive life enhancing energy via a creative process…
Writing poetry about my own suffering really helped me, it was cathartic and i would recommend it to anyone who is going through something at the moment.
Here are 2 poems that I wrote in 2018, when in a mental health institution.
Untitled 1
Ive seen demons in the sky
They affected me no less than seeing graffiti on a wall.
I saw the all seeing eye
But what was the purpose of it all
Slightly shocked but not dismayed.
Through misfiring neurones were these images relayed????
Whatever it was, in its attempt to destroy me,
To hallucinate like that some druggies would of paid.
All it did was annoy me
What a day what a day
These things sent to try me, they want me dead.
What is going on?
Im scared i’ll wind up dead.
I cannot stay like that for long.
Dare not tell the doctor
And a room full of strangers
Who do not have a clue
About the waking nightmares i have been through
Am I in danger?
They don’t even seem caring
Not even a thank you for sharing
Dressed in suits that are about as impersonal as the smiles on their faces
Not an ounce of empathy
Is found in these places
So why should I tell them
The horrors of my mind.
To people that are so clinical and unkind
Surpress me
Inject me
Dont even respect me
Forget me
With battle scars that could of threatened my life
Cut myself with a blunt knife
Because all these voices cause me too much strife
Blood on the floor, Staining my shoes
Delusions in my head
This is more than just blues
Left alone for 3 days in a hospital room
, no contact, no reassurance, doom and gloom.
“Its OK she will survive”
It is such a chore just being alive
Where was the talking, the empathy that i needed?
I thought things could not get worse, then worse things proceeded.
Words that could of healed the wounds on my body that bleeded
Not just the cuts, the cause which lie in my broken mind
What for someone to care, when I’m out of my mind?
Is that too much to ask?
Look she is staring, make her feel bad
Hey I feel bad enough already, dont make me mad.
Its scary wen you stare.
Well it is scary for now me just being there,
Every second of my existance is driving my crazy
So dont try o fob me off because you are too lazy
I would do it for myself but my mind is too hazy
So then I lash out, whoops a daisy.
To really help, really care. Like your paid to do.
Even my family dont do that.
Does anyone around here have a clue?
Have you seen what Ive been through?
So when you tell me off for staring, because you see me as an irritation
Are you really help or just an imitation?
Do you get my message?
OK i cant speak right now, and inside, it feels like hell
And all you do is complain about the smell.
Just for someone to care, I had to phone a medic
No counselling offered, for my mothers suicide
Left like a leper, disregarded,
told that i was a nuisance,
Is it no wonder that i am so guarded?
Untitled 2
I’ve been in and out of the system
Most of them don’t even listen
Is nursing a job that doesnt involve quality?
Resist them
I would rather study trigonometry,
Get pissed then
They think they are curing me
This admission is boring me
What is its purpose? To make me worse?
Is their job ignoring me?
They say ignorance is bliss
But who could ignore this?
Patients in a mess, distress, but they couldnt care less
They treat me like I’m hannibal lector
Hey guys welcome to the nhs sector!!
Public healthscare – you would know about it if you were there
Welcome to the first post of my energy awareness blog – a blog that will be centred around my personal energy awareness journey 🙂
For some time (since 2008), since the first training with the energy doctors – Stephen and Lynda Kane from The School of Energy Awareness – I have been practising energy awareness techniques that have proved, from personal experience, to be extremely powerful and life-changing. Lynda and Stephen offer practical things that one can do to change one’s consciousness, and in fact, one’s life (because the two are not separate).
The training that they offer is was no one-off training that is nice and enjoyable for the day and then forgotten about – it is a new way of living, which would give me daily improvements when practiced as often as possible – even over a decade later.
At the time of the first training, I was in a much different place. I had no job, no higher education, my mother had just died by suicide, and I had a toxic partner. My mental health was poor; I had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I could not see things improving. It felt like the mental health system (the NHS) could only offer so much -they placed me on medication, gave me a helpline number and referred me to the early intervention team. Back then, as is typical with people who are depressed, I had no motivation to do much at all, including incorporating the ‘Living With Energy Awareness Training’ into my life. I was plagued with self-doubt and I lacked the motivation and persistence to bring it into my life.
It wasn’t until years later, after hitting a crisis point in 2013 that had been building for years, that I started to take their teachings much more seriously. The anxiety and depression turned into psychosis, and since the last time I saw Lynda and Stephen in 2008, I had been in hospital a total of 5 times, each time the psychotic episodes got worse, and I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Life was chaotic and severely unmanageable.
The NHS had tried me on many antipsychotic drugs, some of which left me with some debilitating side effects that dramatically reduced my quality of life. Regrettably, I turned to street drugs to feel normal again, which was pretty much the worst thing that I could do. My brain chemistry was already awry before any other chemicals were added into the equation; it was like turning a fire pit into a ring of volcanoes, which could erupt at will.
Over the years, the NHS proved to be hopeless in their pursuit to treat my condition (more about this in another post), at best, they gave me tablets, and contained me until the hallucinations stopped being so intense. My quality of life reached some unbearable points that seemed to plateau. Over the years, I did not get any better, but indeed a lot worse. The psychiatrist called me into his office – he said that I was in a very serious situation, that at age 24 I had been sectioned four times, and that if I did not immediately stop taking drugs, then my prognosis would be very poor. I started to panic that things would never get better for me, that I would never get my mind back and my life on track.
Luckily for me, I had met Lynda and Stephen before all of this, and their training stuck in my head. I’d had a few sessions with them, and I knew that what they teach could improve my life, that they could go beyond the scope of what the NHS could offer. Thank goodness that I kept the training manual and have a (sometimes) quite photographic memory.. (autism has some perks :-)). Their approach is warm, patient and caring, it genuinely feels like they have my best interests at heart – they gave me what the NHS failed to provide – consistent open minded and non judgemental support and empowering techniques that transformed the energy underlying my problems.
After years of going in and out of crisis, and trying the medication (which did not help to make me happy), I found myself stuck in a psychiatric rehabilitation unit after 5 hospitalisations (the longest of which was 3 years). When I felt well enough to take it on, I started incorporating the returning life sequence – a moving meditation that was taught on the training) into my morning routine. After years of feeling hopeless, overwhelmed, in turmoil, and not smiling, I did the returning life moving meditation for maybe 2 weeks and I started feeling like I was walking on air. It was such a relief – I finally had some joy in my life. After all these years of suffering, with this new energy I became determined to improve my life. Within 2 weeks of doing the meditation, I was enrolled on an access course, for which I got up at 7am and made a 2-hour bus journey to the college 3 days a week, and i started going for prana walks every day. I had energy, I was smiling, I felt uplifted and happy, and even though I was still struggling at times, I successfully completed the access course in 2019. I am pleased to say that I am now partway through studying for an MA in Interdisciplinary Psychology and planning on pursuing a PhD, and in comparison, my mental health is great!
Not only am I doing an MA in Interdisciplinary Psychology and living independently in my own flat with no support after being a revolving door patient for all of my 20s, and living in supported accommodation until 2023, I have started a small business from home called Ki to Life and overcome many repetitive and stressful states of mind. I have my self esteem, I frequently have joy, lightness of being, fulfilment, and my perspective has shifted. This is way beyond anything that the NHS did for me. It’s like the NHS placed a metaphorical band-aid over a gaping wound rather than healing the underlying problem causing the wound.
Ever since then, I have been trying to implement as many of the techniques taught by Lynda and Stephen as possible. Whenever I’m feeling off, I now have things that I can do to shift the negative energy. It is very empowering having the tools to personally change my consciousness that I can use at any time, wherever I am.
Some of the things that have helped me are:
Energy exercises (tai chi-like exercises that they call weaves),
Meditations (of which there are many)
Energy testing
Following my energy
Practicing attitudes of acceptance, service, attention
Living with intent
Being on the right supplements
Lynda and Stephen teach these methods – not as a retreat where you try things for one day, but making them a part of your very life, interwoven with how you live minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day. I have very much felt the benefit, sometimes instantly, with the things that they teach people. I can be lost in unmanageable negativity (i am also autistic and have CPTSD), and then do one technique and within seconds / minutes – I feel brand new – calm, peaceful and more myself. It is very empowering to have the tools at hand to change any negative energy state – and to make choices that are going to bring me positive energy. My attitude to life has changed, I am bright, positive and always aiming for the next thing rather than existing day to day and not really going anywhere
Just as they have taught, keeping up to these practices and new attitudes has helped to lessen my stress burden, brought in new success energy, helped with focus and helped me to make wiser choices.
It is a game changer knowing the energy doctors – Stephen is highly skilled and can see how anything – from houses and tablets to food, hair colours and holidays – affects your energy body. He can see what makes your energy stronger and brighter, and what causes you harm.
I’m not saying that some of the medications given by the NHS are not helpful – mine is essential for my mental health and was desperately needed – (thankfully Stephen can see how it lights up my 6th chakra). However, I have found out personally that medication alone did not give me the change in consciousness that has dramatically changed my experience of being alive gradually over the years. With a persistent approach to my practices and ‘jumping in at the deep end and learning how to swim’ – no matter how difficult – I have more joy, clarity and success in life. It was worth putting the effort into myself as my life has improved tenfold.
Just as Lynda and Stephen say – changing your energy changes your life, and it really did for me
This is just a brief outline of my journey; I could really fill a few books talking about this, which is, indeed, a future goal that I’m currently setting in motion.
If you would like to know more about my energy awareness journey and the improvements that it is bringing me –for example, how my mental health is enhanced and the concrete effects it has brought into my life, then please check my future posts.
Welcome to the first post of my energy awareness blog – a blog that will be centred around my personal energy awareness journey 🙂
For some time (since 2008), since the first training with the energy doctors – Stephen and Lynda Kane from The School of Energy Awareness – I have been practising energy awareness techniques that have proved, from personal experience, to be extremely powerful and life-changing. Lynda and Stephen offer practical things that one can do to change one’s consciousness, and in fact, one’s life (because the two are not separate).
The training that they offer is was no one-off training that is nice and enjoyable for the day and then forgotten about – it is a new way of living, which would give me daily improvements when practiced as often as possible – even over a decade later.
At the time of the first training, I was in a much different place. I had no job, no higher education, my mother had just died by suicide, and I had a toxic partner. My mental health was poor; I had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I could not see things improving. It felt like the mental health system (the NHS) could only offer so much -they placed me on medication, gave me a helpline number and referred me to the early intervention team. Back then, as is typical with people who are depressed, I had no motivation to do much at all, including incorporating the ‘Living With Energy Awareness Training’ into my life. I was plagued with self-doubt, which seemed foreign to me at the time, and I lacked the motivation and persistence to bring it into my life.
It wasn’t until years later, after hitting a crisis point in 2013 that had been building for years, that I started to take their teachings much more seriously. The anxiety and depression turned into psychosis, and since the last time I saw Lynda and Stephen in 2008, I had been in hospital a total of 5 times, each time the psychotic episodes got worse, and I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Life was chaotic and severely unmanageable.
The NHS had tried me on many antipsychotic drugs, some of which left me with some debilitating side effects that dramatically reduced my quality of life. Regrettably, I turned to street drugs to feel normal again, which was pretty much the worst thing that I could do. My brain chemistry was already awry before any other chemicals were added into the equation; it was like turning a fire pit into a ring of volcanoes, which could erupt at will.
Over the years, the NHS proved to be hopeless in their pursuit to treat my condition (more about this in another post), at best, they gave me tablets, and contained me until the hallucinations stopped being so intense. My quality of life reached some unbearable points that seemed to plateau. Over the years, I did not get any better, but indeed a lot worse. The psychiatrist called me into his office – he said that I was in a very serious situation, that at age 24 I had been sectioned four times, and that if I did not immediately stop taking drugs, then my prognosis would be very poor. I started to panic that things would never get better for me, that I would never get my mind back and my life on track.
Luckily for me, I had met Lynda and Stephen before all of this, and their training stuck in my head. I’d had a few sessions with them, and I knew that what they teach could improve my life, that they could go beyond the scope of what the NHS could offer. Thank goodness that I kept the training manual and have a (sometimes) quite photographic memory.. (autism has some perks :-)). Their approach is warm, patient and caring, it genuinely feels like they have my best interests at heart – they gave me what the NHS failed to provide – consistent open minded and non judgemental support and empowering techniques that transformed the energy underlying my problems.
After years of going in and out of crisis, and trying the medication (which did not help to make me happy), I found myself stuck in a psychiatric rehabilitation unit after 5 hospitalisations (the longest of which was 3 years). When I felt well enough to take it on, I started incorporating the returning life sequence – a moving meditation that was taught on the training) into my morning routine. After years of feeling hopeless, overwhelmed, in turmoil, and not smiling, I did the returning life moving meditation for maybe 2 weeks and I started feeling like I was walking on air. It was such a relief – I finally had some joy in my life. After all these years of suffering, with this new energy I became determined to improve my life. Within 2 weeks of doing the meditation, I was enrolled on an access course, for which I got up at 7am and made a 2-hour bus journey to the college 3 days a week, and i started going for prana walks every day. I had energy, I was smiling, I felt uplifted and happy, and even though I was still struggling at times, I successfully completed the access course in 2019. I am pleased to say that I am now partway through studying for an MA in Interdisciplinary Psychology and planning on pursuing a PhD, and in comparison, my mental health is great!
Not only am I doing an MA in Interdisciplinary Psychology and living independently in my own flat with no support after being a revolving door patient for all of my 20s, and living in supported accommodation until 2023, I have started a small business from home called Ki to Life and overcome many repetitive and stressful states of mind. I have my self esteem, I frequently have joy, lightness of being, fulfilment, and my perspective has shifted. This is way beyond anything that the NHS did for me. It’s like the NHS placed a metaphorical band-aid over a gaping wound rather than healing the underlying problem causing the wound.
Ever since then, I have been trying to implement as many of the techniques taught by Lynda and Stephen as possible. Whenever I’m feeling off, I now have things that I can do to shift the negative energy. It is very empowering having the tools to personally change my consciousness that I can use at any time, wherever I am.
Some of the things that have helped me are:
Energy exercises (tai chi-like exercises that they call weaves),
Meditations (of which there are many)
Energy testing
Following my energy
Practicing attitudes of acceptance, service, attention
Living with intent
Being on the right supplements
Lynda and Stephen teach these methods – not as a retreat where you try things for one day, but making them a part of your very life, interwoven with how you live minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day. I have very much felt the benefit, sometimes instantly, with the things that they teach people. I can be lost in unmanageable negativity (i am also autistic and have CPTSD), and then do one technique and within seconds / minutes – I feel brand new – calm, peaceful and more myself. It is very empowering to have the tools at hand to change any negative energy state – and to make choices that are going to bring me positive energy. My attitude to life has changed, I am bright, positive and always aiming for the next thing rather than existing day to day and not really going anywhere
Just as they have taught, keeping up to these practices and new attitudes has helped to lessen my stress burden, brought in new success energy, helped with focus and helped me to make wiser choices.
It is a game changer knowing the energy doctors – Stephen is highly skilled and can see how anything – from houses and tablets to food, hair colours and holidays – affects your energy body. He can see what makes your energy stronger and brighter, and what causes you harm.
I’m not saying that some of the medications given by the NHS are not helpful – mine is essential for my mental health and was desperately needed – (thankfully Stephen can see how it lights up my 6th chakra). However, I have found out personally that medication alone did not give me the change in consciousness that has dramatically changed my experience of being alive gradually over the years. With a persistent approach to my practices and ‘jumping in at the deep end and learning how to swim’ – no matter how difficult – I have more joy, clarity and success in life. It was worth putting the effort into myself as my life has improved tenfold.
Just as Lynda and Stephen say – changing your energy changes your life, and it really did for me
This is just a brief outline of my journey; I could really fill a few books talking about this, which is, indeed, a future goal that I’m currently setting in motion.
If you would like to know more about my energy awareness journey and the improvements that it is bringing me –for example, how my mental health is enhanced and the concrete effects it has brought into my life, then please check my future posts.
From NHS to Naturally Healthier Solutions 